Secret Origins: Black Widow (Bronze Age)

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So, forgive my “mistake” yesterday regarding the original Black Widow being in Joss Whedon’s Avengers film. Of course I knew that was the case, and just used it as an excuse to showcase an otherwise obscure and offbeat character. Now, when it comes to the “real” Black Widow, her comic origin is actually pretty convoluted. The movies thankfully make it incredibly succinct. Essentially, she was a Russian spy, met Hawkeye, and had a change of loyalties. The comics had her on a nearly 8-year journey to end up on the side of the angels full-time. As such, it’s really difficult to pin down an origin issue for her, per se. Instead, We’ll be looking at the moment where Natasha Romanov emerges from her cocoon and because the Black Widow we know today. Enough mixed metaphors, let’s get on with the Secret Origin (kind of) of The Black Widow!

As our tale begins, Black Widow is observing Spider-Man swinging across the New York City skyline, as he likes to do. The Widow is apparently looking to re-invent herself as is looking to the wall-crawler for inspiration. I guess that makes sense. They’re both kind of spidery, after all. As such, she decides to learn the secret of Spidey’s powers so she can make them her own. Instead of actually going and you know doing that though, she swings into the apartment she apparently keeps for herself. It’s there where she laments on her convoluted past. This means we get a handy montage/flashback so I don’t have to explain it all to you guys!

If Smilin’ Stan can’t remember, how would you expect ME to?

Natasha continues to get her reminisce on, recounting her romance with Hawkeye, how Nick Fury recruited her on her first S.H.I.E.L.D. mission that ultimately resulted in the death of her husband… So um yeah, I’d probably be having a bit of an identity crisis myself. To wit: Natasha decides her jet-setting Madame Natasha persona isn’t getting her anywhere, so it’s time to focus on being the Black Widow. What better way to do that than an impromptu costume change!

“Web-Line”? “Wrist Shooters”? I thought we were trying to establish a NEW identity here!

And so, with an outfit from the Emma Peel catalog, Black Widow sets out to catch Spider-Man in her web. This is actually a bit odd to me. Her whole deal for hunting down Spidey is to find out his shtick, but she already seems to be aping it pretty well. In fact, she’s doing such a fine job imitating the web-head that a certain crotchety publisher makes a (chauvinistic) note about it…

“Come into my parlor.” said the spider to the… other spider.

Since this is a Marvel comic, and coincidence is the word of the day, it doesn’t take too long for the Widow to encounter Spidey. Not one for formal introductions, Natasha announces herself in a way only she can…

“Yeah, that blast to my head only grazed me and I’m not falling to my death, THAT’S the ticket!”

What follows is an interesting cat & mouse game between two spiders. Now, it should be noted that Spidey’s not exactly bringing his ‘A’ game here. Last issue the Kingpin knocked his keister around pretty good, and he’s having some performance issues due to grogginess. With the playing field relatively even, Spidey falls back on his other great tactic, talking. Once he finds out he’s up against the widow, he pretty much point-blank asks her why they’re fighting, seeing as she’s already teamed with the Avengers at this point. The Widow isn’t really one for giving up information like that though, so she kicks the webspinner around a bit more. Because of said grogginess, he doesn’t put up much of a fight so Black Widow ends up with one trussed up spider in no time flat.

“Seeing as you’re not a woman 35 years his younger and all.”

Thinking she has the upper hand, she gloats about how the vaunted Spider-Man is such a pushover. At this moment, Spider-Man decides that maybe he shouldn’t let it get out that he’s in such a bad way, so he breaks out of the Widow’s snare and pours on the bravado. The Widow takes the bait, thinking Spider-Man has just been toying with her the whole time. Simultaneously, she realises that a hasty retreat is in order, because she’s not finding out what makes the wall-crawler tick today.

Returning to her loft, the Widow ruminates on the events of the day, and starts upon the path that makes her the prominent figure she is today…

The comic book equivalent to a back-door pilot.

After this, Natasha would join the Champions, eventually becoming their leader. Becoming more confident in herself and her abilities, she would be Daredevil’s partner/lover for a time. After that series of adventures, she became a full-time S.H.I.E.L.D. agent & would of course come to join the Avengers on a more permanent basis, even becoming leader of that illustrious group for a time. All in all, from KGB spy to honored member of Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, ‘Tasha has certainly come a long way.

This story originally appeared in Amazing Spider-Man #86 July, 1970. It has been reprinted in Essential Spider-Man Vol 4. and Marvel Masterworks: The Amazing Spider-Man Vol. 9.

 

 

Secret Origins: Black Widow (Golden Age)

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So, this week marks the debut of the Avengers movie. From all impressions it looks like it’ll be pretty great, awesome and (insert gushing adjective here). I was a little weirded out by the choices of characters to include, though. Sure, Hulk, Captain America, Iron Man & Thor I can get. Heck Hawkeye is a good fit too, but I don’t know why anyone would pick Black Widow over Ant-Man & the Wasp. I mean, the Black Widow is a character who has less than 20 appearances in her entire 70+ year history! So, in my never-ending quest to inform the public, I present to you the (balls-out crazy) origin of… The Black Widow!

Our story opens in the parlor (get it) of Madame Claire Voyant. At first I thought this was a stage name for the character, but no it’s the real name of a psychic medium. I love you, Golden Age. Anyway, Claire is going to help a well-to-do family’s widow see her dead husband. They all sit around the table, seance-style when all of a sudden, the image of Satan himself appears and freaks everyone right the heck out. You see this isn’t any of Claire’s psychic chicanery, it’s ‘ol Scratch himself! Not only that, he’s there to pretty much screw with everyone in the room. As you’ll see, when the widow starts accusing Claire’s antics as a farce, Lucifer does his thing and a bunch of lives are set on an odd course.

“Does that mean presents? Oh, you said Satan, my bad.”

Of course, the Waglers don’t believe a word, which I would normally be 100% behind, but man, Satan was right there! On the way home the car hits an unexplained skid. and well, things play out as you might expect except for one small detail…

Man, Satan is a dick.

And so, the next step of Beelzebub’s wonderfully circuitous plan is unfurled. James is hell-bent (see what I did there) on getting revenge for his imagined slight, so he heads back to Claire’s home. The story doesn’t explain how James knows where she lives, or how he gets there when his only transportation has become a smoldering wreck. I am just going to chalk it up to “demonic intervention” and let it lie. Anyway, James in his oh-so stylish vertically striped pants guns Claire down in her home. Of course, it isn’t that simple…

I’m starting to think that man in red there may not be entirely a good guy.

James hoofbeats it out of there and Satan takes Claire’s corpse to h-e-double hockey sticks. When there, he places Clair on an altar and starts a “mystic rite”. He also invokes the “almighty evil”. Now I dunno, but since Satan is supposed to be the ruler of hell and all of its minions, you’d think that he himself is the almighty evil, but what do I know. Anyway, flames envelop Claire’s body as Satan commands her to rise again as…

There is something about this image that hits all the right creepy buttons for me.

So OK, let me get this straight. Satan goads a family into killing Claire so he can have her as his instrument on Earth? He should have cut out the middleman, he is freaking Satan after all. Maybe he had to do things the way he did to ensure that she’d have a proper mindset, but whatever. Anyway, Lucifer goes on a bit of a big speech about how awesome he and hell are, while giving Claire a tour. It shows some pretty graphic depictions of pain and suffering (for the Golden Age anyway), including the fate of people who commit suicide (turned into trees of suffering). He then goes on to tell the Black Widow that this is nothing in comparison to what he has in store for her. The Black Widow seems cool with that, though she does ask for permission to kill her killer. Satan is all like, of course, my dear, kill in my name!

So the scene cuts to the docks, where James is wallowing in his despair. You can’t really blame the guy, seeing as Satan completely screwed up his life. As a matter of course, the Black Widow shows up, and the results are what you may expect, that is, if you were expecting a flaming touch that equals instant death!

Luckily, they left out the panel where the Black Widow mated with him before the killing.

With that, Satan hits the “recall” button and the Black Widow returns to his side in a flash of flame. This attracts the attention of a local beat cop who finds the body of James lying on the docks. He is dead, of course, but he also has his forehead marked with a black widow insignia, adding insult to (grievous) injury. Now, cops then weren’t like cops now, so he easily puts two and two together and realizes James was killed by a person with a black widow motif. We’re left to wonder if he starts a manhunt though, because we’re brought back to hell. Here, Satan finally unveils what his actual plan for the Black Widow is, and wow, it is a doozy…

What? The only evil-doers in this story were under Satan’s influence in the first place!

So you see, the Black Widow is a hero! Um, yeah tell me another one, guys. Anyway, as I mentioned before. Claire Voyant, aka the Black Widow had a total of only five Golden Age appearances and a couple of Silver Age cameos before returning in J. Michael Straczynski’s frankly amazing The Twelve. While I really enjoyed that series, I don’t see how that merits her inclusion in the Avengers movie. Oh! A thousand pardons. I guess I was misinformed and of course the Silver-Modern Age Black Widow is in Avengers, not this one. Well, I guess that means I owe you guys another Secret Origin tomorrow!

This story originally appeared in Mystic Comics #4, July 1940. To my knowledge, it has only been reprinted in the Marvel Masterworks: Golden Age Mystic Comics – Volume 1.

Secret Origins: Doctor Octopus!

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Spider-Man has one of the best collections of villains ever concocted. Sure there are terrible ones, for every Scorpion, there’s a Hypno Hustler lurking around the corner. When it comes to A-listers though, Spidey has some really good opposite numbers. I wanted to spotlight my personal favorite today. Sure the Green Goblin usually gets top billing as Spidey’s #1 nemesis, but that didn’t happen until he decided to get all personal and murder Gwen Stacy. Before that, the Web-head’s best baddie was always considered to be the guy you see above. He of the bowl cut and multiple appendages, the one, the only Doctor Octopus!

As our story commences, Spidey is on a routine patrol when he comes across some nameless miscreants. Spidey makes such short work of them, that he laments his lot in life. He longs for a villain that can give him a run for his money. I guess that whole “power and responsibility” thing kind of slipped your mind there for a bit, Pete. At this point we leave the cocky web-spinner and cut to one of the many, many nuclear research facilities that existed in the early Marvel Universe. We’re introduced to a man named Otto who with a special harness can well, harness the awesome might of nuclear energy. This apparatus has already earned him the nickname of Dr. Octopus!

“So you see, you put the lime IN the coconut and drink them both together!”

As these things usually go, something goes horribly awry and Octavius is caught in a bit of an explosion. Taken from the wreckage, it is discovered that the good doctor is alive, albeit with a great deal of radiation absorbed into his body. If you think that means he’s slowly dying anyway, you’ve never read a Marvel comic! Welcome to the blog, by the way! Anyway, what the radiation actually does is fuse the arms to Otto’s body somehow. This is comics, we don’t need real science to explain awesome things! As it is, Ock’s brain is also been a bit addled. When he wakes int he hospital some time later, he assumes he is being imprisoned for his vast intellect. Because of this, he lashes out, and finds that the arms now respond to his mental commands rather than clunky analog controls. That’s right, Doc Ock has bluetooth arms, apparently! Of course being the fresh off the operating table maniacal genius he is, Doc Ock decides to just take over the whole damn hospital. Although he does it in a hilarious way.

Thank you Comics Code for keeping the door shut.

Meanwhile a the Daily Bugle, J. Jonah Jameson assigns Peter Parker to get some pictures of the scientist. All they know at this point is that no one is being admitted to the hospital. Actually, the whys and wherefores don’t matter. It’s a good excuse to get Spider-Man on the scene! When the titanic teen stumbles across Doc Ock hassling the staff and generally being a bad guy, he jumps through the window, itching for action! What follows is quite a heated battle that introduces many staples to the Doc Ock/Spidey mythos, such as Spidey getting punched by a tentacle and the hero subsequently webbing the arms up. Sadly for the webhead, the battle is not in his favor. In fact, Doctor Octopus makes such short work of the hero, he adds insult to injury by not even bothering to remember Spidey’s name…

At least he remembered the hyphen?

So, after this exchange, Doc Ock literally slaps Spidey around for a bit, and then tosses him out of the 3rd story window like so much garbage. This leaves Peter devastated, as this was his first ever defeat. His confidence is shaken so much, that he goes home as Peter, not Spider-Man. Meanwhile, Doc Ock takes this opportunity to leave the hospital before the police arrive. In the interval, he goes to yet another nuclear research facility (told you there were a lot), and takes it over as well. Thinking himself invincible, Octopus takes the time to gloat.

“Now to resume my vaguely threatening experiments in… RADIATION!”

Cut back to teenage Peter Parker who is being incredibly mopey just because he got his webbed behind handed to him. He goes through his daily routine of getting picked on in school. Not even the promise of the Human Torch coming to school to give a speech can rouse his spirits. In fact, if he wasn’t so mopey, he’d be on the verge of heckling the Torch, thinking it’s easy to exude confidence if you’ve never been defeated. As the Torch’s demonstration continues though, a chord is struck within Pete that truly galvanizes the young lad into action.

No snark here, just a great sequence by Ditko.

As soon as classes for the day end (Peter is responsible, after all.), Spider-Man gets ready to take the fight back to Ock. We even see the first use of the web-catapult to get Spidey past Doc Ock’s defenses. While inside the facility, though, surveillance devices track the web head’s every move. Using his innate cleverness and the trusty ‘ol spider-sense, he manages to evade detection and makes his way to the chem lab. Methinks our young hero has a clever plan.

“Wow! You really DO put the lime in the coconut!”

Spidey finishes his concoction just in time as he is then ambushed by Doc Ock. Using his newly created chemical formula, Web Head manages to fuse two of Ock’s arms together! Doctor Octopus is having none of it though, and still advances on Spidey, backing him into a wall. Worse yet, the arms that got fused together now give Ock a formidable club to smash spiders with! Spider-Man is running out of options, and decides to make a desperate gambit. He manages to web Ock’s glasses to his face, but the arms don’t need eyes to bludgeon the young hero, so that plan was a bit futile.  Ock gets the webbing off of his face and is about to deliver the coup de grâce. Spidey makes one last attempt to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat with his handy spider speed.

“Wow, if I had just HIT him, I could have avoided all of this unpleasantness!”

So, getting by with the skin of his teeth, Spidey wraps the unconscious Doc Ock in copious amounts of webbing and leaves him for the cops, because of course they’ll be able to handle him now that the dirty work is done. While Ock is defeated, this origin tale does a superb job in establishing that he is more than a match for the webbed wonder. In subsequent appearances, Octopus would go on to become a proto-Kingpin as the Crime Master, the de facto leader of the Sinister Six, among other things. Possibly the worst offense was when he very nearly became Peter’s new uncle when he wooed Aunt May. Currently, Ock is kind of a mess, with a debilitating disease leaving him a dying husk. That doesn’t have him down though, he still has the entire world in the palm in his hands with his current machinations.  Over the years, Doctor Octopus has been all over the map in terms of his place in Spidey’s pantheon of villains, but he’ll always be my number 1, thanks in most part to this story here.

This tale was originally printed in Amazing Spider-Man #3, July 1963. It has been re-published too many times to count, notably in Essential Spider-Man Vol. 1 and Marvel Masterworks: Spider-Man Vol. 1. It is also available digitally.

Secret Origins: Batman of Two Worlds!?

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The last time I featured Batman in Secret Origins, I focused more on how Bruce Wayne was the first Robin. Let’s face it, everyone knows the Origin of Batman, so if you’re gonna tell it, why not have a twist? Today is no exception. Once upon a time, DC Comics toyed with the concept of multiple earths. That’s a Secret Origin column I’ll get to eventually, but for this tale, just take it as a given that there are multiple earths with slight differences. With that in mind let’s get on with the Secret Origin of the Batmen of two worlds!

Our story opens with the all too familiar scene depicted above. Leaving from a movie (this time an unnamed Marlon Brando film), the Waynes are accosted by a mugger. Thomas and Martha are gunned down, while young Bruce screams in agony. The screaming continues as an adult Bruce wakes up from his nightmare. Bruce is unsure why he’s reliving this particular nightmare. After all, in this incarnation, Bruce as Batman has already brought his parent’s killer to justice. Regardless of why, when Bruce has issues, he goes to relieve his stress on local derelicts. When he finds a duo of thuggish brutes trying to mug a defenseless old woman, he swings into action and takes one goon down. The other however flees the scene. Batman gives chase, and the first in a series of weird events plays out for the Caped Crusader.

Crime Alley: Aside from a few murders, the Happiest Place in Gotham!

Crossing town in a couple of steps isn’t the strangest thing to happen to Batman though, as Robin also pops out of nowhere to get the drop on Running Thug #2. In fact, when Batman & Robin exchange pleasantries, they realize that Robin actually left for Europe that morning! Strange happenings indeed. Before the two detective can suss out the situation, it’s solved for them by the sudden appearance of the mysterious Phantom Stranger. The stranger starts out with some cryptic-speak that his sort of mystic type loves to spout. After Robin asks him to translate that into something resembling English, the Stranger explains why he has brought the Dynamic Duo to Crime Alley.

You think they might reboot Batman twenty years after this story? Naaaaah.

The Stranger explains that he’s giving Bruce a chance to redeem the one failure he sees in his life, the inability to save his parents. This raises a few questions, such as does Batman blame himself for the deaths of his parents? and Why didn’t the Stranger offer the Golden Age Batman the same chance? I’ll leave those questions to an accredited Batman-ologist. Regardless of the reason, Batman agrees to this once in a lifetime opportunity. Robin insists on accompanying him, but Batman says it’s something he has to do alone. Robin is all like, “Hey, I got pulled away from a bunch of young European co-eds for this, I’m coming too!” and rushes into the fog after Batman. Before you know it, the duo are at Gotham Harbor, and before they can decide whether or not they’re actually on another Earth, the old chums hear the sounds of crime (in this case, an explosion). Duty takes over, and they find themselves on a ship full of modern-day pirates. Batman can’t believe how easily their opponents fall…

Dude, you’re a 6 ft. tall man in a bat costume. You’re lucky fainting is all he did!

As Batman & Robin mop up the scum, sirens finally blare and the Dynamic Duo find themselves face to face with Lieutenant James Gordon, looking a good twenty years younger than he should. Gordon orders the heroes to freeze, but rather than stay and explain the convoluted situation, the Caped Crusaders make a hasty retreat, but not before Gordon issues an APB on the duo. After that debacle, Batman & Robin decide to do some detective work in their civilian guises. Realizing that they can’t be sure where the Waynes live on this Earth, they go to the local library to gather intel. While Bruce goes through the social register (after being mistaken for his father), Dick studies the history of this strange new world and makes a series of startling discoveries…

Why Dick Grayson has an intimate knowledge of Krypton's solar system is a mystery, however.

“– This may end being a nice well-adjusted world! Can’t have that!”

Dick explains that if they stop the Wayne’s murder, they may be denying this Earth it’s only hero. Bruce is all like, “That’s nice, but I’m still not letting them die… old chum.” You can’t blame the guy. If someone came up to you and said “Hey man, don’t be mad, but we should let your parents die for the greater good!” You’d be a bit dismissive too. Anyway, the two go to spy on the Waynes at.. Wayne Manor of all places! Jeez, you think they would have tried that first instead of doing the detective work. Seeing his parents again strengthens Batman’s resolve to keep them from dying again. Robin, on the other hand sees how much of a spoiled child this young Bruce Wayne is and wonders if he’ll grow up to me the bored playboy Batman only pretends to be. Regardless, Batman presses on for more info to prevent the tragedy. Knowing the name of the man who murdered his parents, he tries the find the whereabouts of the murderer’s counterpart on this Earth. Batman being Batman, he has an ingenious way of getting said information.

How did he make a perfect Gordon disguise after only seeing him for a minute? He’s BATMAN!

Sadly, information on Joe Chill is as obscure as knowing the lineup of the 1906 Boston Red Stockings. Batman follows another lead though. Chill was hired to kill Tom Wayne by a man named Lew Moxon, and he does have a record. Batman and Robin descend on Moxon’s “legitimate business” and cause a major amount of mayhem, including blowing up a truck! After Robin (literally) tackles Moxon, he says he’s never even heard of Joe Chill. Batman puts the fear of well, Batman into Moxon, and warns him not to mess with the Waynes. Moxon plays the scared little lamb, but Batman’s interference actually causes Moxon to move up his “Kill Wayne” timetable.

By Batman’s estimation, he and Robin have five more days to stop the murder. Uh-oh. Batman and Robin spend the next few hours debating on the merits of preventing the murder. Robin is still unsure if they’re condemning young Bruce into being a foppish dandy. Batman is still having none of it, though. Batman leaves to follow (or look for) another lead, leaving Robin to shadow the Waynes as they are getting ready to go see a movie. Again, Uh-oh.

Batman is once again in Police Headquarters and hits pay-dirt! Chill isn’t from Gotham, so he wasn’t in their records, but he does show up on interstate files. He’s about to find the info he sorely needs when he’s confronted at gunpoint by Lt. Gordon! You may think it’ll be a Mexican standoff, but there is something about the way Batman pleads his case that sways the young police lieutenant…

“You’ve given me no indication that you’re NOT an escaped mental patient, but somehow, I trust ya!”

Batman is able to track down Chill to a seedy motel, but Chill is dying. It seems since Batman mentioned him to Moxon, Chill was killed as soon as he made himself known! Chill also spills the beans that another gunsel is on the way to the hit! Batman then has a V8 moment, realizing that in the twenty years that have passed, leap years make today the corresponding day, rather than the date he was counting on. That’s fine deductive reasoning Batman, but if you hadn’t interfered, it wouldn’t have happened so quickly anyway, so there’s that… Cutting back to Robin and the Waynes, the fated family is walking down an alley, because the movie was sold out. Before you know it, they are accosted by a thug with a gun. Robin agonizes over what to do, finally realizing he just can’t let anyone die while he does nothing. It turns out his interference isn’t needed however…

“NOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Batman seriously beats the punk down, but can you really blame him? Then, the Phantom Stranger returns to take the Caped Crusaders home. Robin asks if they’ll ever learn of young Bruce’s fate. The Stranger is back to speaking cryptically though, and all he’ll tell the Teen Wonder is that they have saved two lives and forever altered a third. Batman says “Amen to that.” and they return home.

The story doesn’t end there though! While Batman and Robin will never learn the fate of young Bruce, we get to peek in on the lad. It seems his close encounter with tragedy has had a profound effect on the boy. Gone is the spoiled brat, replaced with a more attentive, studious youngster. Reading such books as Sherlock Holmes and various books about criminology. That’s great and all, but didn’t Robin say earlier there weren’t any inspiring literary figures on this Earth? Anyway, as we leave this earth, we find that encountering Batman casts a long shadow indeed…

“it’s like an omen! I shall become Bat Batman Man!”

See? Robin had nothing to worry about! This world gets a Batman, with no messy murders involved! Think about it, a man devoted to justice, the absolute peak of human achievement, and he doesn’t have to have a tortured soul to do it! This my friends, is what I would call the “Ultimate” Batman. It’s a shame we never got to see any of his adventures. It’d be very interesting to see if he’d inspire the same rouge’s gallery as “our” Batman, or if with a brighter outlook on life, he’d make Gotham a veritable utopia. At any rate, so ends the origin of Batmen of Two Worlds. Until next time, keep your origin a secret!

This story originally appeared in Detective Comics #500, and was reprinted in The Greatest Batman Stories Ever Told: Vol. 1.



Frantic Fridays: Is Conan a Librarian or a Barber?

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When Frantic Times was on the air, the guy had to come up with new material on a weekly basis. When you have that kind of immediacy, using topical humor is a sure-fire way to go. To wit, sometimes The Frantics would delve into the pop culture scene at the time. One of the bigger movie in the early 80′s was the big-screen adaptation of the classic Conan the Barbarian. I thought since the remake is now in theaters, it’d be fun to re-visit the lampooning the Frantics gave the sword-wielding Schwarzenegger.

First up, Conan the Librarian. This is a play on words joke that has been done many times over the years, notably in “Weird Al” Yankovic’s classic UHF. Chronologically though, the Frantics tread that ground first. As always, they are ahead of their time! Let’s listen:

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Next up is “Bill from Bala Buys a Movie Ticket”. While Conan is the subject of some throwaway jokes, the real focus here is on the character of Bill From Bala. Bill is a recurring character on Frantic Times, but oddly I’ve never featured him before. I thought it was high time to rectify that!

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And there you go. More later, bye for now!

Secret Origins: The Golden Age Flash!

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Before I start today’s column, let me apologize for the hiatus, let’s just say I was trapped in the Speed Force. Speaking of, I’m coming up on the first anniversary of doing these Secret Origins columns, and my first subject ever was The Flash. While the column has evolved a bit since then, I thought for a (near) one year anniversary, I’d revisit the Flash family with the guy who started it all. So hold on to your silver, wing-tipped hats for the Secret Origin of Jay Garrick, The Golden Age Flash!

Our story begins at Midwestern University, an Ivy league school if ever I’ve heard of one. “Unknown” student Jay Garrick is trying to get a date with the lovely Joan Williams. Luck isn’t on Jay’s side though. Joan refuses to go out with our hero, because he has potential to be a great student, and a football star, but he’s just a scrub. As she puts it, Jay is “an old washerwoman.” Ouch.

“Run fast AND stand still! My advice may not be the best, now that I think about it.”

Regardless of his (lack of) football prowess, Jay is the determined sort. If he can’t get ahead on the gridiron, he will excel in his studies. And so, Jay finds himself in the science lab, tirelessly working on experiments in hard water. Now, I don’t know if the 1940′s definition of hard water is different that it is today, but I don’t think there is much to be learned from water with high mineral content. Heck, if you were to ask the average person what hard water was, they’d answer “Isn’t that ice?” I don’t think we’ll ever really know though, because of the silliest origin sequence this side of Bouncing Boy!

Not as silly as mistaking a bouncing formula for soda, but close.

The Surgeon General left the warnings for potential superpowers off the pack.

As a result of Jay’s inhaling smoke, he’s forced to… inhale smoke. That is, the fumes the hard water gives off are too much for Jay and he is forced to breathe them all night as he becomes unconscious. Eventually, he’s found the next morning. While he was in a coma for weeks, doctors then weren’t like doctors today, so was treated well and got better. While Jay is in bed convalescing, his professor and his doctor are talking about some really, really garbage science about how hard water makes a man’s reflexes speed up. So Jay, having practically bathed in its essence, will be “the fastest thing that has walked the Earth!” I can imagine it now, The amazing adventures of Power Walker! Jay decides he’s all better when he sees his unrequited love, Joan out the window. He’s off like a whirlwind, literally! He gets to Joan before she can take another step. Yes friends, the first thing Jay does with his powers is to try to impress the girl. Honestly, this is probably what any of us would do, but still, not exactly heroic is it? Neither is Joan’s response to these new advances…

Even in the 40′s guys would do incredibly irresponsible things because a woman tells them to.

Before you know it, it’s time for the state game! Jay’s raring to go, but he’s still warming his buns on the bench. His coach still thinks of him as a scrub, after all. Jay laments that he’ll never get on the field unless everyone else is injured. Inexplicably this happens. I don’t want to imply that Jay broke a bunch of his fellows legs using super speed, but man, that guy wants a date really badly. When Jay is finally on the field, he’s greeted with boos and catcalls. Jay shuts everyone up quick as a Flash though, when he zips around the field like a road runner on uppers. Single-handed, Jay brings the team to victory from a 30-point deficit. After the game is over, he basks in the glow of victory.

“And in this age of no drug tests, I’m off with no consequences. the ’40′s are awesome!”

Now the story takes a bit of a time jump, Jay graduates with honors, and is going to be an assistant professor at New York’s Coleman University, while Joan is off to help her father research “atomic bombarders”. Apparently in the intervening time, we can infer that Jay has forsaken using his powers for personal gain (now that he has what he wanted) and gained a social conscience, because one night, as he reads the paper…

So the true Secret Origin of this Flash, he just decides to up and fight crime one day.

We then cut to some gangsters complaining about how the Flash has disrupted their operations, and then Jay putting his costume away. It feels like a complete cop-out to have the Flash’s true first adventure not shown. Instead, we’re treated to Jay playing tennis with himself. It’s a time-honored Flash tradition, but he’s doing this as Jay, and wouldn’t you know it, Joan just happens to be along and recognizes his fast moves instantly (she’d know, after all). Joan starts to explain that her father has been kidnapped, but just then, a car passing by fires a gun at Joan! Quicker than you can blink, Jay pulls off another time-honored Flash gimmick…

“How can you pull off yellow pants without having a monkey companion?!”

Before Jay can learn about Joan’s missing dad, we have an interlude with a quartet of evil men, who are now sure with the “death” of Joan, their prisoner, Major Williams will surely give away the information they need for his Atomic Bombarder. Mr. Williams is a canny bloke, though. Even though he thinks his daughter dead, he knows she wouldn’t want him to give away war secrets! Since interrogating the major is an exercise in futility, one of the four decides to visit Joan’s house in the guise of an undertaker to hopefully find some clues. Sadly for him, he asks Jay is he knows the “dead girl”, playing his hand much too soon. Joan reveals herself as well, and the villain freaks out and leaves. Joan explain the sitch to Jay, and he gives chase as only he can.

Two things, Jay. A) You can’t exceed the speed of light, and B) Did you even bother to get the license number?

By sheer luck (or the advantages of moving at the speed of light), Jay manages to find the “undertaker” and follow him back to his hideout. When he gets to the lair of those who call themselves the “Faultless Four”, he makes his presence known. As you might guess, bullets start flying, and The Flash uses his speed tricks to pluck bullets out of the air again. After this display, Flash decides to not waste his time on the bad guys, and rushes around looking for Joan’s daddy. He isn’t having a large amount of luck, having searched the entire compound to no avail. Suddenly, he notices a trap door. That couldn’t possibly be a trap, could it? Nah, it’s is a freaky mirrored room where Major Williams is being kept, though.

Super speed piggybacking, fine travel for the distinguished gentleman.

The Flash zips the major back to the waiting arms of Joan, because the gangsters wouldn’t possibly try to get them again! To is credit, Flash zooms back to eavesdrop on the quirky quartet, and learns of their inexplicably insane plan. Even more inexplicable is that the Flash lets them go ahead with it! What is this nefarious plan you ask? One of the four is going to fly above the crowds of Coney Island raining down machine gun fire, to throw off suspicion that they’re going after the Williams’ again. Genius in its simplicity, isn’t it. I think the Flash is addicted to plucking bullets out of the air, because he does it yet again…

“Yippee! Maybe there will be more bullets to catch!”

The Flash effortlessly rescues Joan. The villains, clearly desperate, try to retreat back to their hideout. Flash is there in no time, and he’s ready to end this, even going so far as to say “No Mercy”. When he does face the foursome in their den of deviousness, the de facto leader, Mr. Satan throws a switch that’ll kill everyone in the room, Flash included. The thing about the Flash though, is he’s very fast. and follows Satan outside. The other three are quite dead though. Satan is at his wit’s end now, and tries to escape in his new car. He apparently equates newness with speed. Of course the Flash gives chase, and Mr. Satan just gives up the ghost, as it were in a most grisly way…

It looks like he’s just standing there watching the guy die, actually.

And so, Jay meets back up with Joan as the adventure comes to an end. Major Williams is astonished by the great feats of the Flash and would love to know more about him. He asks his daughter what she knows, but with a wink and a promise, she keeps Jay’s secret better than he ever has in this story. Maybe she’s a keeper after all!

The Golden Age Flash’s career would last throughout WWII, and he’d lose his hard edge after a while to become the upstanding speedster we know today. If not for Jay Garrick, we never would have had any other Flashes, practically no Silver Age of comics, and certainly no concept of multiple Earths. Whether anyone realizes it or not, Jay Garrick is the linchpin that ties the DC Universe together, even today. Here’s hoping he’ll surface in the New DC Universe sooner rather than later. It has been said it’s not speed that counts, but endurance, but if history has shown us anything, The Golden Age Flash has both in spades, and I’m sure we’ll see him again!

 

This story originally appeared in Flash Comics #1 January, 1940. It has been reprinted countless times, such as the Golden Age Flash Archives Vol. 1. It is also available digitally.

Frantic Fridays: Dirty Words!

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Today’s column is just coming under the wire for a Friday post so I’ll keep it simple. In this sketch, two men are discussing all of the dirty words in the paper. The video isn’t as good to me as the audio, because not only is it a poop joke, it’s a poop joke regarding my hometown Cleveland Browns. Enjoy!

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Secret Origins: Black Adam!

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People sometimes wonder why I have so much love for the Marvel Family. I can understand this, especially when the current regime at DC just don’t seem to “get” the appeal either, resulting in substandard or outright terrible stories. That’s one reason when I present the Marvels in these columns, I always refer to the original Fawcett Comics stories. I’ll be honest, I have only read a handful of Fawcett-era Marvel stories, but what I have read is enough to make them some of my favorite characters, ever. Today’s subject is pretty interesting due to the fact that he was only ever in one Fawcett-era story. He was memorable enough to be resurrected (figuratively and literally) in the DC-era. In recent years, he’s even eclipsed Captain Marvel himself in popularity. Alternatively known as Teth, Theo, and Mighty Adam, it’s the secret origin of Black Adam!

The framing sequence for this story shows the old wizard, Shazam narrating. This isn’t terribly important, but he refers to past events a lot, which I have already covered in previous columns, so expect links rather than relating said recaps. Shazam’s narrative begins with a bunch of exposition, but eventually drops in on good ‘ol Billy Batson at station WHIZ with his boss, Sterling Morris. It turns out that there is some unidentified object approaching Earth at blinding speed. Mr. Morris decides to get a good look at it from the massive telescope which happens to be in his office (just go with it). Unfortunately, he puts himself and Billy in deadly danger, as he casually mentions that said telescope needs repairs as he ascends the massive wooden staircase leading to it. As you might expect, mayhem ensues…

"Luckily, Captain Marvel always seems to show up when I do insanely stupid things!"

Of course, since Billy is Captain Marvel the day is saved handily. At this point, Shazam’s narration takes the time to recap Billy’s origin. This is great for new readers, but since I already recounted it, you can just check it out here. When we return to the present, Billy decides to go visit his pal, Freddy Freeman, the lame newsstand owner! Seriously, Freddy is lame (of leg). Freddy and Billy discuss the meteor or whatever it is. As it turns out, the phenomenon is now visible to the naked eye. Because of this, everyone’s an amateur rubbernecker and Billy is nearly hit by a car. It’s a good thing Freddy has a magic word of his own!

Freaking jaywalker.

As you may have guessed, the Wizard takes this opportunity to relate Jr.’s origin. We’ll skip that part, because now the unidentified space debris has made landfall and it turns out to be a deranged elf in a dark version of Captain Marvel’s costume! And in case the outfit fooled you as to the gentleman’s intent, he erases all doubt as to his nefarious intention in the space of three simple panels.

"I will break your back, like so, with my knee!"

Like I said, he makes his intentions pretty clear. If there was any further doubt, he declares that even though the world is different from what he knows of it, he’ll go ahead and rule it anyway. You have to admire his confidence, at any rate. Before Adam can get his aspirations of a new kingdom off the ground, the policeman’s cry for help is heard by Cap Jr. Junior is flying directly at Black Adam, which causes the pointy-eared fiend to declare the amazing-ness of such an act. Captain Marvel Jr. follows up with what is probably the best line of smack talk I’ve ever read in a comic, Golden Age or otherwise.

Cap Jr. ain't messing around, folks.

Sadly, Jr.’s mighty blow doesn’t affect Adam in the least. Likewise, when Adam retaliates, Jr. isn’t fazed, either. At this point, Billy has recovered from his near-death experience and has joined the fray as Captain Marvel! Even with the advantage in numbers, the Captains Marvel make no headway against their adversary. Black Adam realizes the stalemate as well and decides to disappear into the conveniently placed crowd, to plan to achieve victory. While the Marvels are in hot pursuit, Adam somehow manages to escape.

Seriously? Guys, he was RIGHT THERE!

With Black Adam’s “escape” Cap and Cap Jr. ponder the villain’s origin in the hopes of finding some leverage with which to defeat him. They say their respective magic words, and decide to visit Shazam. They figure his wizened form will have the lowdown (little do they know…). As it turns out, Black Adam is still close by (surprise!) and he sees the Captains change into their human forms and puts two and two together and comes up with a plan for revenge! You see, Adam also has the powers of Shazam as we’re about to discover. He follows Billy and Freddy via the subway entrance to the Rock of Eternity. Sadly, we don’t get to see the cool art deco subway train this time. Anyway, as the kids get to Shazam’s throne, they light the brazier to summon his spirit and they explain their predicament. Shazam proceeds to tell them the whole sordid tale. 5,000 years ago, Shazam wanted to bestow his powers onto a mortal champion, much like Captain Marvel. He chose a man called Teth-Adam, and at first it seemed he made a wise choice.

After this fiasco, Shazam insisted on a background check for all potential applicants.

In future tellings of this story, Mighty Adam was indeed a good and just champion for a while, but in this original tale, Adam immediately decides to use his great power to acquire even more! Mighty Adam sets his sights on the throne of the Pharaoh. Being the self-proclaimed “Mightiest Being on Earth” means he meets with little resistance, and he eventually makes his way to the palace. With no one to intervene (Shazam must have been on sabbatical or something), Mighty Adam ruthlessly takes the throne.

Adam certainly has a penchant for breaking bones, I'll give him that.

Back from his smoke break, or whatever it was, Shazam is about to lay the smack down on Adam. You’d think that old Shazam would just remove Adam’s powers outright, but instead, he rechristens his charge Black Adam, due to his evilness (and probably his taste in clothing). Black Adam scoffs at this, taunting Shazam that not even the wizard himself can harm him. It seems Shazzy made Adam so invincible that he truly can’t be harmed. The Wizard is crafty, if a bit short-sighted and pulls another trick out of his billowy sleeve.

Little known fact: In Ancient Egypt, all the seas and oceans were red.

As the origin tale ends, Shazam realizes that Black Adam’s hatred is so great that he has spent the last 5k years just flying through the cosmos with revenge on his mind. While that’s quite determined of Adam, how did Shazam not foresee that? Sometimes I wonder about this guy’s severe lack of judgement. Shazam’s spirit tells Billy and Freddy that they must track Adam down and find some way to defeat him. Shazam then makes his exit, and the two are about to say the magic words and clean up the wizard’s mess. Before they can do anything though, Adam strikes! He binds and gags the youths and declares his intent to kill them as revenge against Shazam! All seems lost, but as the story would have it, Mary Batson and Uncle Dudley have wondered where Billy and Freddy have been. The guys aren’t in any of their usual haunts, so Dudley and Mary also make their way to the subway to see if they’re at the Rock of Eternity. They arrive just as Adam is about to exact his revenge. They say their magic words, and Shazam’s narration take hold again as we’re regaled with Mary’s origin. He also sums up Uncle Marvel in one succinct panel…

I'd point out how vaguely creepy that is, but the old codger IS about to save the day, so I won't.

The two new arrivals try to take Adam head on, but they fare no better than Billy or Freddy. In fact, having no real powers, Uncle Marvel is casually pushed aside. While Mary keeps Adam distracted, Uncle Marvel frees the captive Freddy and Billy. Surely now with Adam facing the combined might of four (well, 3 and a half, I guess) Marvels he’ll fall, right? Um, not quite…

Not even the might of Uncle Marvel's chili breath can stop him now!

The massive stalemate continues unabated. Uncle Marvel however is relegated to the sidelines. Because of this, he gets the bright idea to light the brazier to get Shazam to intervene. I’m sure it’ll work too, since Shazam’s anti-Adam tactics have been so effective in the past. In immaterial form, the wizard can’t do much but spout advice. Thankfully, it is a bit of useful advice (for once). If the Marvels can somehow trick Adam to say the wizard’s name, he’ll revert to the non-powered form of Teth-Adam! Adam isn’t Mr. Mxyzptlk though. It could be a bit of a chore to get his to say “Shazam!”. Dudley is up to the task though, and plays a clever ruse on the villain.

Uncle Marvel, bumbling his way to victory since 1945!

Adam, to his credit, immediately realizes his mistake and tries to transform back, but is distracted by Captain Marvel’s fist introducing itself to his cranium. The 5,000 year old villain is easily laid out by Marvel’s haymaker, and is unconscious. Before the Marvels can decide to do with Adam’s prone form, he ages the equivalent of 5 millenniums in an instant and becomes a desiccated corpse. Problem solved!

"Thanks for being unwitting accessories to murder, Marvels!"

And there you have it. The one and only appearance of the original Black Adam. I’ll admit, he is a character that begs to be used again, so I can’t fault contemporary writers for wanting to use him. Since his re-imagining, Adam has become more of an anti-hero, doing whatever it takes to protect his homeland (and rule it, go figure) and his own Black Marvel Family. With the DC re-launch looming, Black Adam and in fact all of the Marvel’s fates are unknown, but you can’t keep a good concept down, so I’m certain they’ll all be back in some form shortly. Until then, there’s always back issues!

This story originally appeared in The Marvel Family #1 December, 1945. It has been reprinted in the Shazam Family Annual #1

Frantics Fridays: Superhero High School Reunion!

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This is one of my favorites. Today’s clip comes from the first full episode of Frantic Times I ever heard. I sought it out, because I really liked “Last Will and Temperament”, which I’d heard on the Dr. Demento 20th Anniversary CD. Between that and the classic Tae Kwon Leep, I had to hear more from these talented guys. Admittedly I didn’t want to slough through 30 minutes trying to hear the one clip I wanted to hear, but I am glad I did. With this episode, I learned that the Frantics were great at satire, slightly risqué humor, and best of all, they were comic geeks! While probably not the very best bit from episode 30 of Frantic Times (I’d give that to “Last Will” or the running bit with a certain private eye), it did speak to me the most, being the unabashed comic geek that I am. So I am happy to share with you “Superhero High School Reunion”, along with the song that accompanies it. The song title ruins a good gag in the bit itself, so I won’t reveal it here. Also, I’ve left the end credits to this episode intact. After all, while the Frantics are great, you can’t make a radio show without staff, so I wanted to recognize some of the people who made FT as great as it was. ‘Til next week, enjoy!

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Random Thoughts: DC and comiXology Are Lazy!

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It’s no secret that I love digital comics. They cut down on space, fire hazards, and it’s a nice and easy way to look for a specific issue. That being said, the vast majority of comics available digitally are no older than 10-15 years. Maybe 20 at the most. When older comics are released digitally, they have usually been recolored, resulting in a much more vivid look, without the pitfalls of newsprint (bleeding edges, yellowed pages and the like). That is, until now.

 

DC Comics, in their partnership with comiXology, have recently released a slew of bronze-age comics digitally, mainly to coincide with their “RetroActive” line of one-shots. This initially had me thrilled! Not only can I get a bunch of comics that had never been reprinted before, I could get them for a measly 99 cents apiece. Joy and Rapture, DC was finally digging into their 70+ years of archives to share their catalog. Then I actually bought some of the books…

 

The book I’m using to highlight my point is Justice League of America #120, which has a cover date of July, 1973. It ties in really nicely to the recent “DC RetroActive 1970s Justice League of America #1″. They both feature adventures of Adam Strange dealing with the villainy of Kangar-Ro. When you open the digital version, this is what you get (page truncated for detail):

JLofA #120 via comiXology

I’m sorry, but I believe the correct term for the image quality is fugly. This is obviously a scan taken from an original newsprint issue, but someone was screwing around in Photoshop too much to make the yellowed newsprint look white. As a result, the image looks very washed out, and is kind of a chore to read. In short, I felt a bit cheated of my buck. As an aside, when Marvel releases a bronze age book, be it on Marvel’s Digital Comics Unlimited, or their comiXology powered app, the book always gets the re-color treatment.

So, being appalled by the (lack of) quality of the book, I decided to see if I could do any better. Surely if I could do a better job at presenting one of their books digitally, DC would wise up and not pull this on their consumers again, right? That’s what I’m hoping, at least.

I made two plans of attack when trying to make my case. First, I just got a scan of the page myself with no frills, just to show what the page would look like if you actually opened up a paper copy:

JLofA #120 via scanned copy

As you can see, while the scanned page isn’t as white as the one available for purchase digitally, there are more discernible details. For instance, the caption boxes are actually yellow, the blues in particular look better, and the background itself doesn’t turn almost completely black. If DC decided to release the comic like the above image, I’d still wonder why they didn’t re-color it, but it would at least be readable and I would be a satisfied customer.

So the question of course is why? Why didn’t DC take the time to re-color the book for digital release? I’m sure arguments could be made that it is cost-prohibitive, or too painstaking a process to do for a single digital issue they don’t plan on releasing anywhere else. If that’s the case, it speaks volumes about how DC feels about digital. Sure, they are about to release their entire line digitally the same day as print, but moves like this make me imply that they do not care about their digital presentation. Even if digital is just another revenue stream for them, wouldn’t it behoove them to make it appealing enough to have repeat customers?

While I am of course just speculating, I decided to put my money where my mouth is. Would it cost DC any sort of money besides labor to re-color their classic books? The short answer I came to is “no”. Using only free tools, I was able to re-color this page in less than 20 minutes, here is the result, and then I’ll explain my process.

JLofA #120 Re-colored by me.

Admittedly, my attempt is slightly crude. If you’ll notice, some letters are missing, and some lines aren’t there. There is also some artifacting in the background. This is due to me working from a scanned image. I would hope DC’s own archive has better tools than I do. As for what I did, I got to thinking about the original printing process. Mind you, I’m not colorist, but I do know that in newsprint, the CMYK process is used. CMYK uses Cyan, Magenta, Yellow and Key (black) to make all variety of colors. This is why comics are sometimes referred to as 4-color adventures. Anyway, with that in mind, using free tools, I converted the my scanned image into CMYK color (most computer images use RGB). After I did that, I was able to isolate the Key plate, which was akin to just have the black and white ink work.

From there, I used the colors from comiXology’s copy of Justice League of America #122, which ironically was recolored, due to it being reprinted before. Here’s the image I got my new RGB values from.

JLofA #122 used for colors

From there, it was a simple process of adding the colors where appropriate. Now don’t get me wrong, doing this to every page of every issue released would take a lot of time, but if I, a relative novice can be that effective using only the tools at my disposal, all I can say about DC at this point is that they are lazy. That being said, if anyone at DC is reading, pay me a modest sum and I will do this for you, gladly, Just to preserve your classic work for not only a new generation of readers, but for all time.

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